Searching for passionate aliveness...my life is sacred.

"It is my hope that this book walks that fine line between respecting the uniqueness of your individual journey and speaking to that part of you that may need company as you set your foot on the path. My story only provides a template, but there may well be themes that resonate for you. Perhaps knowing someone went this way will invite you to walk a little bit further into your unique unknown."
---Jeff Brown

"Nobody else knows your reason for being. You do. Your bliss guides you to it. When you follow your bliss, when you follow your path to joy, your conversation is of joy, your feelings are of joy -- you're right on the path of that which you intended when you came forth into this physical body."
---Abraham-Hicks

"I have never found a problem with people from different religions praying together. What I have found is that people are just hungry for God, and be they Christian or Muslim we invite them to pray with us. There is a large percentage of Muslims in our mission houses in Spain and France and they want to pray. So that is our main focus, to encourage them to pray, to have a relationship with God, however that may be, because when you have that then everything else will follow."
---Mother Theresa

"Under the right circumstances, it is not difficult to have a powerful experience of meditation, to taste the indescribable peace, bliss, rapture, and stillness of the Ground of Being-like a still forest pool, in which you sink ever more deeply, where your mind is not moving at all. It is very important to taste the inherent liberation of your own infinite depth, but that kind of experience in and of itself will not necessarily teach you how to have a liberated relationship to the chaos of your own mind and emotions. Sinking to the depths of your own self is always profoundly inspiring, but it's not enough. It is equally important to know how to stay on the surface when a storm is raging and you have no relationship to the chaos. And that is what the deliberate practice of meditation is all about. For most of us, learning to do that is ultimately a source of greater confidence and soul strength than the spontaneous experience of infinite depth. And in fact, from an absolute or nondual perspective, being at the surface is no different from being at the very bottom of the pool. Even if it doesn't necessarily feel that way, in time you will come to understand that it is the same. That is the secret of freedom."
---Andrew Cohen

"Solemn or stated meditation is distinguished from the study of the Word, wherein our principle aim is to learn the truth; and also from prayer, whereof God himself is the immediate object. But meditation is the affecting of our own hearts and minds with love, delight, and humility toward the things contained [in the Word]."
---Richard Baxter, http://www.chosunjournal.com/meditate.html

"Forget relationships and learn how to relate.In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating not a relationship.If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said."
---Osho

"I did not know I was on a search for passionate aliveness. I only knew I was lonely and lost and that something was drawing me deeper beneath the surface of my life in search of meaning. There is a hunger in people to go to those deep depths; to know that our lives are sacred; that our hearts are truly capable of love. It is a yearning to be all the we can be. A longing for what is real. "
---Anne Hillman

"If we want to be sincere, we must admit that there is a well-nourished love and an ill-nourished love. And the rest is literature."
---Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

"When you can see through the mist of Maya to the Self, that mist has not disappeared. You have just learned to see through it."
---Shyamananda

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. "
---Mother Theresa

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it."
---William James



Welcome to planet earth! You are completely unique. [So AM I!] You are an integral part of all that IS. You are loved...completely. The sooner you connect with this, the sooner you will get where you really want to go. Ixnay on all the detours to here or there! Your destination for this incarnation is ready and waiting for you. All you need to do is trust the process. Go inside your heart, let your mind release its tight controls, and then just believe you are in the hands of the Most Capable Being Ever.


When you woke up today, did you remember to love yourself first and foremost? You know, did you feel yourself in your body and then say to yourself, "You are awesome, absolutely real and beautiful?" If you did, more power to you. If you didn't, what did you say? [This is important information. Your life depends on it.]



There are times when situations or ideas are just between you and your Creator. [That is not a bad thing, by the way.] These days, I am learning this lesson again and again. [Hopefully I'll truly "get" the lessons soon!] The reason for such "special times" is that the circumstances involved are so different, so rich, and so totally YOU that they can only be shared between you and the Divine. No one else has the capacity to "get them." They are like raw resources. Raw resources have to be transformed (refined) before they can be appreciated and used by most people. And the transformative agent for people is the Divine time.


For instance, I am a high extrovert. I came into this world smack dab in the middle of a lot of people. I had three older brothers. My parents were extremely social. I didn't know life without busyness. But today, life brings me frequent experiences of quietness [aloneness] and I must taste the marrow of fullness amidst isolation.



I am discovering that I often must continually search my life for meaning and provision when, seemingly, such attributes fail to exist. However, the attributes do exist and they did exist; and, they always will exist. The universe, God's imagination manifest, is excessively abundant. There is no want in all-encompassing love. [Psalm 23 of the Christian Scripture defines this further.]

Several years ago I depended heavily on my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He entered my life at a very bleak period of my existence. He was my very breath sometimes. He was my everything for a long time. I was intensely ill. I went in and out of the hospital. I had no center. I was lost. And Chris subsidized my being. [Thank God, for Chris!]



But eventually this state had to end. I had to live or die---with or without Chris.



And right at that point of realization, everything shifted! I chose to accept the responsibilities of living. I turned on my faith and I began to breathe on my own. It wasn't easy [I continued to stumble here and there]; but, the last health (sickness) episode I had was in 2004. For the first time in years, I felt the power of life go through me. I experienced a sense of choice, and I moved into the world all by myself. [Chris and I, subsequentally, split up because we had to experience our own, separate, lives. We had been operating as one---an unhealthy one---for so long.]

Each of us in the world have a path that was created just for us. Moreover, I believe, we co-created the path with the Source of all things before we incarnated into the earth plane. The path is here to help us prosper and be all that we ARE. It strengthens us and gives us stamina and endurance. It, also, gives us pleasure. And it burns away dross that does not serve us anymore.

At this point, let me firmly say : I don't know why we are exposed to anything in our lives; but, I do know that everything is, in the end, for our highest well-being. I know this because I believe in love and I believe Love consciously considered us, conceived us, and birthed us as we were, are and will be. Furthermore, I believe in free will if we, individually, have moved beyond the tribal stage of growth and development. That is to say, if the family, the government, the educational facility, the Church, etc. rules over our decision-making, then free will may be a bit of a misnomer.

I believe that the tribal consciousness is critical for a safe, productive evolution of mankind. But it is hardly a permanent state of affairs. People are designed to be self-sufficient creatures of beauty and love---creatures that choose and aspire to be their own unique beingness. If as humans we do not break away from our "group-thinks," we will be unable to become our Highest Selves. A part of us will always be denied. And, to me, that is a mockery of who we were created to Be. It makes zero sense to me.

The United States of America is slated to be the "home of the free and the brave." Yes and no. If people are bound to other peoples' thoughts and feelings, freedom is quite a stretch. And believe it or not, there are varying levels of consciousness in this country.

To give you a rather stark example, some people in the U.S. actually still define themselves in terms of the slavery that took place during the civil war. And as long as they continue to define themselves as slaves, they will feel inept at grasping for freedom, growth and development. Don't get me wrong, stubbornness [willfulness] is not the issue. Consciousness is the crux of the problem.

My heart breaks when I discern that there are whole groups of people that can't see beyond their daily experiences. [I was a person like this for many years. My illness was a strong burden for me. I couldn't see around it, over it, under it, or through it; so I just suffered. I struggled. I felt defeated with nearly every breath I took.] Their conscious minds are locked in place and spinning like a run-away tread mill. They live unconsciously or subconsciously. They seem trapped. And they ARE until a breath of liberty blows through them.

When I was a teacher, I used to perceive the foundations that many of my students came from. And the foundations were very poor and broken. I couldn't understand how the school system could provide an educational setting to children who hadn't eaten, or to children who had no parents---only extended relatives that felt obligated to take the kids in, etc. Maslow's Hierarchy of needs was just a sham for most of these students. I thought of my own upbringing and I was amazed at the difference.

Bob Marley said, "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind."

He, also said, "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you are riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"

And he also said, "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"

To continue my thought, another example of locked consciousness can be seen in people with eating disorders. This form of "disease" is very difficult to comprehend. A person may weigh 98lbs., but when he/she consciously thinks of him/herself, he/she feels 250lbs. Crazy, right? But true nevertheless.

Marley was correct when he said we are the only ones that can free our minds. But, what Marley did not say was that some sort of catalyst has to occur before we can escape from mental slavery. Some door, window, or spiritual plane must come about for us to find the "key" which actually unlocks the mind.

For me, Love is the number one catalyst, and we each have a responsibility to develop the love within our own being. There is no time to waste. There is a lot of suffering across our planet far and wide. We must learn how to give with our whole hearts and minds. We are creatures that can awaken. We are creatures that define our own identities. And, in my heart and mind, we must awaken to love all that is around us and in us. We can do this! It just starts by waking to self-love...day after day after day. It is a practice as Mother Theresa dictated.

By determining that we are creatures of Love, we can know we were designed not from sin and circumstance but through empowerment and passion. Our paths were given to us so that we might learn all there is to know about ourselves, our neighbors, and our Divinity. We are a Divine Matrix. We construct the Web of Life.

In the beginning, every human spirit chose a "mission" to manifest in the material. [How do I know? Because we are all here, or have been here, or will be here.] Everyday since birth,we all have lived to rediscover those missions as the material world shapes, molds and sculpts our experiences. And as spirit and material show themselves as One, frequently our missions call to us. Our sensitivity, our aliveness, our truth dictate our playing field.

It is my belief that if we are not currently experiencing Love in our daily lives, then something is amiss. We need to realign with the Source. We need to get right with God [Whatever that means on our personal path to living.]. Love is the Source of all that we ARE. Love abides deep within us. Loves lives and IS all around us. We are immersed in Love and we will be forever. We can't be apart from it. But, our minds can create a plane of thought and experience that disables our body-mind from knowing the love IS here.

And this IS our work. Through whatever means are necessary, we are obligated to figure out who we ARE within the "confines" of Love. I'll give you a hint, "Think Big! Very, Very Big!" Remember time is no object. You ARE an eternal being. Imagine yourself at your very best. Contemplate those moments during your life where you felt successful, where you looked successful, where you were successful. Now, keep going! Open the part of your brain that knows the "back and the beyond." the part of you that knows forever. Yes, keep going. This trip will take you through infinity. Are you there yet? Of course not.

Now, for just a second, can you pause and realize the depth and width of who you ARE? Amazing, huh? Exactly!

So, tomorrow when that alarm beeps, take a moment to love yourself. Make this your beginning. And then several seconds out of the day, just remember to give yourself an awareness course in BEING the glorious light being you ARE. Just love. Just love. If you forget sometimes, just be compassionate to your material self. Pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself, "All is well. All is according to schedule." Remind yourself of your successes. Pick up the "ball" and start again.

Your life is your co-creation. Don't forget to collaberate with the Source. Love is eternal. Love is packed with unlimited possibilities. Enjoy the abundance. Treat yourself to all that IS!

Love never fails to meet every demand of the human heart.

"Life requires that we trust the pieces before the puzzle is completed."
---Laura Teresa Marquez

"To trust in the force that moves the universe is faithFaith isn't blind, it's visionary.Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that the universe knows what it's doing."
---Unknown

"Have faith---God is near."
---Gabrielle Thompson

"...that I alone hold the definition of what I am."
---Montel Williams

"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.We can decide to risk that he is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
---Joan Wester Anderson

"Mankind understands Love as the ant understands the tree... Otherwise we would no longer be human. Rather, we would be awakened Gods in the flesh."
---Kent Wilson

"The greatest attribute of God is Love. The Tree of Life is located in the very depth of our soul. The most perfect and abundant fruit that grows and ripens is Life giving Love; it is the great healing force in the world. Love never fails to meet every demand of the human heart. The Divine principal of Love may be used to eliminate every sorrow, infirmity, in-harmony, ignorance and all mistakes of mankind. Love is God; eternal, limitless, changeless, infinite. It is the pulse of the world, the heartbeat of the Universe."
---Baird Spalding

"So you call yourself religious? Please don't do that if you're stuck in only one of the many traditions that manifest divine love. When you've found connection and inspiration from many religions, then you probably know more about divine love, and less about prejudice, ego and fear."
---Earon Davis



Mid-life is an empowering time. Yes, I am sure many would disagree. Afterall, the words "mid-life" are often followed by the word "crisis." But, to me, it is a time of great repetition which enables me to catch patterns and discover lessons I learned over the years via the wonder of hindsight.

I was just having lunch with an old friend. I was discussing lessons I learned over the course of my time on planet earth. For instance, how many times did I sell myself short as a young person? A lot. I felt like I couldn't wait, I couldn't hold on, or I failed to believe that life would provide me with my needs. My patience grew thin and I frequently made decisions based on peer pressure that was not in my best interest.

But, as much as I gave in, there were also many times where I stood my ground and I discovered great reward---almost as though I found gold at the end of a rainbow. I was an extraordinary young woman. I survived a lot. I learned a lot. I used great wisdom gleaned from the adults around me. I experienced much that I was proud of. And many people experienced pride regarding me. I was their child, their sibling, their niece, their grandchild, their student, their neighbor, etc.

The last four years of my life have been spent learning how to love effectively. And if there is one wish I had, it would be that I would have known powerful love throughout my life. But, that was not so.

In the beginning, my mother (and other relatives) taught me all sorts of things about love. I was breast fed. I was hugged and kissed quite often as I grew. I was verbally told that I was loved. I was given many presents and many parties. I had friends---some great, some not so great. But, somewhere along the Way I stopped knowing all-encompassing love, the experience of it, the feeling of it, the look of it.

Again and again, I began to question the circumstances that came into my life. And eventually I grew dim inside. Interestingly enough, most people that surrounded me as I grew would have said I was a happy, creative, directed young woman; but, I was not. I was scared quite a bit. I lived in a state of disappointment. I had high hopes that were often dashed for one reason or another. I felt hungry inside. I needed. And I failed to know how to get most of my needs met. I developed coping skills, many of which were not designed to really work well. They were designed to aid me in my survival, or they were designed to give me short term pleasure. Ultimately they magnified my since of lack.

Several years after the fact, I am in some sort of faith period. I know this, because I have visited this "place" before. Things don't appear to be moving. Everything seems stationary. The air even "smells" stale. My lungs literally struggle to consciously breathe in and breathe out. Yet really, the universe is constantly changing, moving, doing. Despite my inability to perceive much action, there is action. God is certainly constant, but very little around Him stays still. Life shifts! Perhaps that is why the Protestant Scripture says, "Be still and know that I AM." Because by settling down and opening our hearts, our minds, our feelings, and our senses, we can glimpse and know the fine movements at last. We can finally perceive whole patterns around us and in us. And we can then divine that we are an intricate, moving part of the universe. We are one with all. There is no true separation.

Recently, I tried to plant sunflower seeds. I wasn't too successful this go around, but I did learn that if you plant five seeds, one seed might sprout up lickety split. Then a second seed might follow a few days later. If one seed dies, another might survive. That too is like us and the story of life. We all grow and develop at our own unique pace. People enter the earth plane and leave the earth plane. Life (Chi, Prana) does not discriminate because of age, race, disability, economic status, and other such issues. We all are born. We all die.

So for me, I am starting to get that I can relax a bit here and there because life is happening all around me. Constantly. And God [Love] IS always about us and in us. The one permanent Truth to living.

However, last night I had a heart breaking experience. I was interacting with a new friend whose daughter is very ill, and has been as such for 28 years. But perhaps this is the time frame where the woman's daughter's stay on earth may end. An infection has been eating away at the daughter's physical body, and the young woman has become highly exhausted by trying to live on. She has suffered and suffered and suffered for a very long stint. I hurt for the girl. I hurt for my new friend. And then things suddenly felt even worse.

A question entered upon the scene. Did the daughter have the appropriate religious training? Would she be relayed to an eternity with God or an eternity in hell? In my mind today, there is no dividing line. I went through a nine year period where Christianity drove my life. I, too, once questioned my life in terms of God, punishment, sin and suffering. And then one day I woke to a different world. A world where I had suffered ENOUGH. A world where my chronic illness was not because I sinned and thus needed to suffer so I could return in repentance to God the all avenging Father.

The world I awoke to was full of love, hope and harmony. From that point, the Christ I knew was no longer denied by [my]our finite minds and [my]our closed hearts. The Christ I knew became cosmic and capable of eternal, unconditional love. I didn't just believe He was that. I knew it! I experienced the sense of His post-crucifixion love and then His post-ascension love like I never had before.

Please know that I had been growing in Christ since I was born. My mother was a dedicated Lutheran who came to personally know Christ in her early teens. I heard numerous times how she went through her baptism as a young person. Lutherans typically Christen people as infants so being baptized as a teen was very big deal. And following her baptism came her confirmation. Mom was completely determined to get her four kids to age 18. Furthermore, she was determined to provide her kids with a Christian education; and she did. We were regular church goers. We were, also, all confirmed as Lutheran believers when we reached the junior high level.

However, I became quite disturbed with the Church and God when I turned 17. I was very angry about my parents and how the family just disintegrated. I was, also, highly disillusioned by the adults and their behaviors in my local Church congregation. So not too long after, I became a wild child. That period lasted 3.5 years. And then, abruptly, I found myself ill with a chronic disease that affected my mind and my emotional balance. I felt damned.

I reached and reached and reached for some light. And eventually I cleaved to my Heavenly Father once again. I became a Christian zealot. I would find my forgiveness and God's love for me the Way I knew how. I would over achieve it into my life. God's grace would open my heart wide, and I would just exceed with all my thoughts and feelings into understanding the True faith and the Godly circumstance. Works were important but grace was everything. Yet, in many ways, mysticism was even more significant to me. I would love God and the world around me as much as I knew how. I made it to the Christian missionary field. I moved to Hong Kong. I wanted to do good, be good, love good.

I came home from Hong Kong riddled with pain and confusion. "Uhhhh...How could I return home sick and without much money to keep me afloat?" I tried and tried to have faith and know God with all my being. [Actually, I DID have faith, and I DID know God. I just didn't think I did.]

The process was unnerving. Church people [my brethren] far and wide became some of the most unGodly experiences of my existence. I heard it all. "God would strip me of everything if I didn't give it over to Him." "You can pray where you are. We don't need to pray for you." "Are you possessed [because my disease affected my brain and my emotional system]?" "Only those with the Gift of Tongues are truly born again in Christ." And on and on!

And then things went black. My path seemed endless and devastating. I didn't belong anywhere. I was empty trying to fit back into the Church. I had no bearings. I just began reaching out, reaching out, reaching out again to find some semblance of order and peace.

I fell in love with a dark horse who had left the Church early in his life after he was mamed severely by a group of his peers that hated him for his intense love for Jesus. I went through hospitalization after hospitalization as my health destabilized and continually broke down further and further.

And finally the light came my Way. I discovered unconditional love and forgiveness within a paradigm that I never knew before. I became my own person. I began to love myself. I felt the power of Christ in absolutely everything I came in contact with. I became highly syncretic. I created a loving universe inside my very own heart and mind. I breathed for the first time in years. I was free.

Over a series of stages I began to know God as never before. I defied the little world I used to submit to willingly, ignorantly. I began shrugging off the limited perspective of the Protestant Church. I retained Scripture, but I, also, burnt it from my heart. Paradox? Not really. As love opened my inner vision, I began to understand deeper truths laid out in the Bible. Love is very, very big!

Last night I was crushed that my new friend was feeling such crisis regarding her and her daughter's religious training. For me, now, it is very painful to watch others strain against the power of the Church. History reveals much weakness---from the very beginning---in the Church. Catholicism and Protestantism have been waging holy wars for centuries. The Holy Crusades' last battle has been evolving in Iraq even today. Westerners are superior to all. That is the bottom line.

I take a breath here and there, and then I tell myself to trust in the Sovereignty of an all-loving God.

Love encompasses the universe. It is virtually unimaginable! Love is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Love is gentle, kind and patient. My Christ is the Alpha and the Omega. My Christ's body was broken for all of us. Every BEING. No exception! As we separate ourselves in fear, darkness, bigotry and strife, we will inevitably experience the power of healing, the power of love somewhere, some way.

My God holds each of us in the palm of His hand. Every hair on our body is counted and watched over. We don't get shoveled to hell because we live in Ethiopia and no one ever mentioned the name Yaweh. If we are a part of this universe, we are immersed in "Project Love." God is not a leave anyone behind kind of deity. God loves, loves, loves. Always!!! Forever. Since the day He conceived of mankind. We are His precious creations. He has been building our sweet and comfort-filled destiny since He experienced His own consciousness. Yes! Since THE BEGINNING.

Understand that man has been playing with various Scriptures and Dogmas throughout history. King James, alone, was a political expert. And, God has allowed the development of mankind always. If love is not the superlative, then the Scripture, the dogma is fallible. Love is the only complete Truth. God is Love first, last and always. Believe it. End any undue suffering. You are beautiful in God's heart and in God's eyes. Receive this love as soon as you can. It is important.