---Sol Luckman
"To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries."
---Aldous Huxley
"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."
---Bertrand Russell
"The Future is no place to place your better days. "
---Dave Matthews Band
"The world is ready for a mystic revolution, a discovery of the God in each of us."
---George Harrison
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away."
---Henry David Thoreau
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "
---Jack Kerouac
"If you smile at me I will understand because that is something everyone, everywhere does in the same language."
---Jefferson Airplane
"I'm just beginning to see... The trees are drawing me near, I've got to find out why. "
---Moody Blues
"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
---Erica Jong
"I felt like if any two people had any kind of sexual affinity for each other they had to sleep with each other immediately, otherwise it was a terrible betrayal and waste...Fortunately, I'm relieved of those obsessions now. It's really wonderful. It's really wonderful not feeling you have to sleep with everybody."
---Leonard Cohen
"I believe true happiness is derived from helping others and spreading love. Sharing unconditional love is the best high you can experience. Pure energy flows through you unhindered by doubt, fear or expectation. It is magical beyond belief. Try it sometime!"
---Skip Stone
The idea behind this blog is independence. Everyday I work for my freedom---my authenticity. I disrobe from other people's intentions and ideations. I step into the "Joan Zone."
I grew up in a family with four children. Everyone (parents included) was a type A personality. It was often a tough place to learn how to live. My chosen family role was human rights activist. Well, think about it! I was the perfect candidate. I was born at the "bottom of the barrel." In other words, I was the youngest child. In addition, I was the only female child. [I had nowhere to go but up!]
I didn't get much say on a daily basis. So, in order to be heard (at all), I developed a gift for being adamant, persistent and explosive whenever necessary. I accepted my role with pride. I was going to "win" somehow-some way. I had to give everything "my all" all of the time. In my eyes, there was no other choice. Perfection was mandatory. I was no quitter. I was determined to be noticed no matter what it took. I was no metaphorical runt. I was a contender. [In fact, Rocky became one of my favorite movies because I identified so strongly with the main character. It is still one of my favorite motivational pictures.]
Somewhere along the Way I contacted with the "Age of Aquarius" movement that occurred in the 1960's and early 70's. I was delighted by the film clips I saw of its hippies as well as the intense civil rights movement. However, cinematography has always had a tendency to capture the spirit of such historical periods while simultaneously deleting the terrific turmoil and hardship that also existed during the time. Nevertheless, I was enamored by the concept of free love. It looked so fun. Heck, for that matter, I was into free anything! [Sol Luckman's quote above just cracks me up.]
All of my brothers attended Kansas University which was located in Lawrence, KS. I got a taste of that school when I was 16 or so. I went to visit my brothers periodically. It was so awesome! Being on a college campus was exhilirating. Being with college boys was that much better! And KU was loaded with modern hippies known as granolas. I just knew I was going to become all I had dreamed of when I went to college because I thought I would be attending KU, too. But, it was not to be so.
Instead I got transplanted to the state of Florida right before my senior year in high school. I attended University of Florida as a result. UF was no granola town. UF was filled with scantily clad beautiful people. Many of them from Southern Florida: Ft. Lauderdale, Miami, Marco Island, etc. The campus was an exercise phenomena. There were no Birkenstocks. There were few dreadlocks. Orange and Blue was all over the place. Gators loomed in every corner. Real Alligators resided in Lake Alice. And my first dormitory experience happened to be the smallest, all girls, unairconditioned facility known as Mallory Hall.
Before my first day of school my freshman year, I wished I would get lost in a crowd so that I could just be me [so that I wasn't dependent on the name "Baxter," or the name "Cami."].
I got my wish. Sort of.
I knew all of about 15 people my first year at UF. My classes were 300-600 people big. I could go the whole semester without seeing or sitting next to the same person twice. Yet, I, also, met a young man named Scott who surfaced everywhere I went the first few weeks of classes.
I don't know why Scott and I were meant to intersect; but, we sure were---at least here and there [not seriously]. In fact, I am still friends with him to this very day. We did share a vision between our many beers at the Hardback Cafe one night. We were going to find a VW Bus and travel the countryside, maybe start a commune or two.
But, I wanted more than a dream/a fantasy. I wanted more than just talk. [I always did!] I wanted my life to manifest from my whimsical ideations regarding adventure, love, peace and harmony. I think Scott had a lot of other game plans for his life that he didn't articulate that evening. [Actually, now I know he did.]
Nevertheless, he occupied a considerable amount of my mind space while I attended UF. [These days not so much. We have grown. We have gone in very different directions. But we still have a few commonalities. {At least if you get us on a good day!!!} So we chat. We reminisce. We keep the relationship moving forward.]
By my sophomore year at UF I sold out! My vision got washed downstream. I joined the Greek system. I became an Alpha Delta Pi. [I just couldn't stomach another year being underage without a fake ID and knowing only the people in my tiny residence hall.]
I'll tell you what whole-heartedly convinced my friend, Diane, and I to rush. I became a member of the Young Republicans group my freshman year just so that I could continue to breathe and meet new faces. Diane had a similar experience. So we finally jumped the "independent college student express" and signed up for rules and regulations as dispersed by our "older" sorority sisters and alumni. [Of course many sisters were Diane and I's age because we rushed as sophomores! How patronizing! How ridiculous. How college.]
From that point, my dreams just got scattered all over the place.
I wouldn't be accepted to the School of Fine Arts for another year. My dad and step mom vehemently disagreed with my choice for a major [Art History]. So, I adjusted my course of study to Art Education [I soon learned that was not a great choice either; but, the cards were on the table, and I had to follow suit.].
To stay productive, in the meantime, I got really boy crazy. I had no idea that I was suffering from very low self-esteem in regard to members of the opposite sex. [I felt inferior to man. I had a lot of anger toward my family and my rank within it.] So, as a result, I collected "pretty faces" to put in my "Boy Toy" scrapbook. And basically, I learned to party and survive UF's academic maze.
Furthermore, the Gulf War broke out. I got behind our troops by displaying war ribbons all over my backpack. Scott would fantasize about joining the military. I felt my chance to be a granola was nearing an end. Adulthood was fast approaching.
At the turn of my junior year in school, things began to weigh very heavily on me. My illness was on the verge of coming to a head. My incessant partying was taking its toll. Scott had graduated and moved across country. He would call from time to time which would sinisterly coincide with two other love interests that were tearing me apart emotionally that fall and spring.
And then, one magical night, a dark eyed "devil" from Milan, Italy made his way into my life for a very brief period.
Alberto and I seemed to feel a "mystical" union between our mind and hearts. We locked gazes. We flirted with our facial expressions. The oral language we shared was minimized because his native tongue was Italian and my native tongue was English. But, it made no difference. We enjoyed one another despite the cultural differences.
Looking back, our relationship was hardly more than an intense spring-summer romance. But, I wanted love so badly then that I developed our relationship into a grand love affair. [Ah, the power of the imagination!]
{I think most young, American women experience this sort of stage in their thinking. It is the "Cinderella Effect." Some probably feel it more strongly than others. In fact, I'll, even, venture to go a step further and say that historically the concept of witchcraft most likely stemmed from this youthful, charismatic empowerment of young women that drew men inward to the synonymous passions between man and woman. Certainly, I had no such alluring intentions. I just plainly visualized desires that my heart, body and mind aspired to. But, I can definitely "see" some young men---unaware---being captivated by a spell of titilating excitement prompted by the amour of a young woman on fire!}
Moreover, my disease became highly episodic as I dated Alberto. I was temporarily destroyed and then rebuilt. A couple times over. Alberto went by the wayside. And my flamboyant dreams were lost in the tragedies and the rebirths. My soul was then harnessed and attached to the thoughts, visions and/or dreams of other people near me. People who could help me and keep me on track. Their tracks.
Years later, I am rediscovering the dreams I once held so openly close to my heart. Dreams a young person fearlessly conceptualizes. Dreams a young person pursues with relish until some "boundary keeper" (i.e., a parent, a lover, the environment, the tribe, an enemy, etc.) shuts a gate or two or three.
Last weekend I experienced such a thrill, because---after a year of searching--I finally found a sticker to place on my car's back window. It reads, "May All Beings Be Happy." It contains a picture of the earth surrounded by the many layered rings of chakra colors. The purchase is a small step, but it is significant. At least to me. It is an access point to my dreams and visions on a grander scale. To me it is like the Scripture that talks about how God has every hair on our heads accounted for. An inexpensive sticker has called to me, "Search, Joan. Please don't give up. I am out here waiting for YOU."
I see myself as a half-ling. I thought of this last night when I watched Love is a Many Splendored Thing. Jennifer Jones' character in the movie was Eurasian. Her father was Chinese. Her mother was British. Someone in the movie said to her, "You can't be two things at once."
I have been many things to many people since my childhood. You can imagine me being pushed and pulled like taffy...stretching and stretching. Willingly most of the time.
My body and mind have grown tired.
As I search my heart, I become confident that I must make and can make selections in life that definitively show who I am. I don't need to remain a half-ling to survive. Additionally, my heart says, "I never wanted to be dogmatic---except during my "High" Christian period where I strongly leaned on the decisions and leading of the Church for most of my choices. I never wanted to be left outside a group. I always wanted to belong. Being a half-ling allowed for approval."
But, as I have aged, I have begun to realize that my heart is always choosing whether my brain goes along or not. And, so it is my heart that must be followed and/or sought first.
Below are some concrete examples of the kind of shifts I have become aware of over the last few years that my thoughts have become clear to me. Many of them were scarcely easy to implement. I had to break free from my appointed tribes and their rather sticky points of view. And that is saying a mouthful. One of my last hospitalizations snapped a number of the familial cords that I felt so intensely. That snap action was good but it hurt so very badly. I didn't think I would survive it. [I am still amazed at my constitution. I lived through hell several times and I have had the opportunity to tell about it!]
Some important mental, spiritual and/or bodily shifts were:
I am no longer a Republican. From my perspective, why would I be? I don't get fed by Republican policies. Yet, I am not a die hard liberal either. I have too many middle views for that road.
I am no longer a "High" Christian. [A Christian that exclusively determines in the name of faith (and Doctrine) that Jesus is Savior---if this is not accepted and proclaimed as such the non-Saved persons will be fated to eternal hell. There is no redemption past the point of death. Unless you are Catholic and then you might experience purgatory.]
I AM a heart-centered being that is extremely spiritual. I have virtually always been as such. I believe we learn about life on a continuum. Being black and white about a constantly changing universe is quite precarious indeed. I have experienced the black and whiteness of being youthful; and, I still weep at some of the causes and effects from that period of my life. I have forgiven myself again and again but some residual sadness remains. I think that residue spurs me on and helps me to not forget the lessons I learned during that time frame.
However, I do believe we are inseparable from God---ALWAYS! I believe we are the love of God. God is in us and we are in God. We ARE of Him/Her/Them. I, also, know Christ intimately, so I cannot deny my relationship with Him. To do so in my opinion would be a travesty.
I believe others do not know Christ and I believe this does not damn them to hell. To me it matters not whether they come to know Him or not. That is their path. Afterall, what is hell to an all-loving, ominscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent God? I believe every person's path is important/significant [even if I find the persons are trite, disgusting, or something else less desirable to me]. I believe that to deny a person's path is a point of ignorance and thus can be dangerous for both parties.
I believe in reincarnation because for the last year and a half I have been given sign after sign regarding one of MY previous incarnations. No one else has to buy into this "implausible" concept. I know the truth and that is the bottom line. For me, it is similar to my faith in Christ. Both are very important to me because both are excessively REAL to me.
I believe that at one period in history one branch of Christianity as well as one branch of Judaica housed a philosophy that reincarnation is valid.
"Belief in reincarnation is an ancient phenomenon. This doctrine is a central tenet within the majority of Indian religious traditions, such as Hinduism (including Yoga, Vaishnavism, and Shaivism), Jainism, and Sikhism. The idea was also entertained by some ancient Greek philosophers. Many modern Pagans also believe in reincarnation as do some New Age movements, along with followers of Spiritism, practitioners of certain African traditions, and students of esoteric philosophies such as Kabbalah, Sufism and Gnostic and Esoteric Christianity. The Buddhist concept of Rebirth although often referred to as reincarnation differs significantly from the Hindu-based traditions and New Age movements in that there is no "self" (or eternal soul) to reincarnate." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reincarnation
Experiencing Bipolar Disorder has expanded my understanding of reality. Living overseas in Hong Kong, also, expanded my understanding of reality. One of the quotes above says that if we all travelled to another country we would discover how wrong we are about our countries. It is so true. But living elsewhere etches this particular lesson even deeper.
Life IS different wherever you go. In addition, life is different when you get to know whoever you get to know. None of us see life exactly the same. Our eyes, our heart, our skin...are often so uniquely dispersed that we often represent life as a characterized experience. And yet, life is 100% harmonious. It is 100% connected. The collective conscience dictates a purely woven tapestry that makes our separation merely an illusion.
It is a lot to take in. The donut-shaped torus defines the differentness/sameness concept visually. As Thomas Troward says, "The great secret in life is in learning to see things in their wholeness, and to realize the inside and outside simultaneously.
I swing back and forth from inside to outside attempting to move throughout the whole of life. Perhaps it has been a gift that I have felt like a half-ling, someone who experiences life with one leg on one side of the fence, and with one leg on the other side of the fence. Jennifer Jones' character bounced back and forth from Chinese to Eurasian. I bounce back and forth from authentic Joan to Joan the consummate actress. [Don't we all to some extent?]
According to holistic "dogma" I must reconcile with my deepest Truth. I must become my highest Self, or at least align with my highest Self to "become" whole (to recognize wholeness). Currently, I am two parts vying for constant attention. I am split into pole one and pole two. So I beome high and low all at once. My energy balances as it can. This is not healthy for the mind or body.
But! I do contend that EVERYTHING (even disease) happens as it should and thus everything is a valid response that must occur, a valid experience to have. I see my "illness" as a special gift (a misnomer at best) that allows me to pursue truths that most people have no avenues to seek...ever.
I have recently,also, found a land of "inbetweens" that encourage limb climbing. I like the land, but I still feel like a foreigner most of the time. I AM on the brink of so many manifested dreams. I know that my passions lie in the world where all people meet and join. I find such ecstasy in the empowerment of all mankind. I have discovered that my path has enabled me to "get" that we are all Divine creatures. That is a beautiful thing. Whether we are Pig Pens, Saints unfurled, or something else altogether, we are powerful beings---all of us.
My new car sticker states my ultimate desire for this planet, this universe. May all beings be happy.
I now stand in my shoes. I learn to accept who I AM. I walk. Expectantly I walk. The dreams I thought were forever gone are slowly, quietly making their Way back into the "Joan Zone." My heart leads me ever forward!
Won't you join me?
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