Searching for passionate aliveness...my life is sacred.

"It is my hope that this book walks that fine line between respecting the uniqueness of your individual journey and speaking to that part of you that may need company as you set your foot on the path. My story only provides a template, but there may well be themes that resonate for you. Perhaps knowing someone went this way will invite you to walk a little bit further into your unique unknown."
---Jeff Brown

"Nobody else knows your reason for being. You do. Your bliss guides you to it. When you follow your bliss, when you follow your path to joy, your conversation is of joy, your feelings are of joy -- you're right on the path of that which you intended when you came forth into this physical body."
---Abraham-Hicks

"I have never found a problem with people from different religions praying together. What I have found is that people are just hungry for God, and be they Christian or Muslim we invite them to pray with us. There is a large percentage of Muslims in our mission houses in Spain and France and they want to pray. So that is our main focus, to encourage them to pray, to have a relationship with God, however that may be, because when you have that then everything else will follow."
---Mother Theresa

"Under the right circumstances, it is not difficult to have a powerful experience of meditation, to taste the indescribable peace, bliss, rapture, and stillness of the Ground of Being-like a still forest pool, in which you sink ever more deeply, where your mind is not moving at all. It is very important to taste the inherent liberation of your own infinite depth, but that kind of experience in and of itself will not necessarily teach you how to have a liberated relationship to the chaos of your own mind and emotions. Sinking to the depths of your own self is always profoundly inspiring, but it's not enough. It is equally important to know how to stay on the surface when a storm is raging and you have no relationship to the chaos. And that is what the deliberate practice of meditation is all about. For most of us, learning to do that is ultimately a source of greater confidence and soul strength than the spontaneous experience of infinite depth. And in fact, from an absolute or nondual perspective, being at the surface is no different from being at the very bottom of the pool. Even if it doesn't necessarily feel that way, in time you will come to understand that it is the same. That is the secret of freedom."
---Andrew Cohen

"Solemn or stated meditation is distinguished from the study of the Word, wherein our principle aim is to learn the truth; and also from prayer, whereof God himself is the immediate object. But meditation is the affecting of our own hearts and minds with love, delight, and humility toward the things contained [in the Word]."
---Richard Baxter, http://www.chosunjournal.com/meditate.html

"Forget relationships and learn how to relate.In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating not a relationship.If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said."
---Osho

"I did not know I was on a search for passionate aliveness. I only knew I was lonely and lost and that something was drawing me deeper beneath the surface of my life in search of meaning. There is a hunger in people to go to those deep depths; to know that our lives are sacred; that our hearts are truly capable of love. It is a yearning to be all the we can be. A longing for what is real. "
---Anne Hillman

"If we want to be sincere, we must admit that there is a well-nourished love and an ill-nourished love. And the rest is literature."
---Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

"When you can see through the mist of Maya to the Self, that mist has not disappeared. You have just learned to see through it."
---Shyamananda

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. "
---Mother Theresa

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it."
---William James



Welcome to planet earth! You are completely unique. [So AM I!] You are an integral part of all that IS. You are loved...completely. The sooner you connect with this, the sooner you will get where you really want to go. Ixnay on all the detours to here or there! Your destination for this incarnation is ready and waiting for you. All you need to do is trust the process. Go inside your heart, let your mind release its tight controls, and then just believe you are in the hands of the Most Capable Being Ever.


When you woke up today, did you remember to love yourself first and foremost? You know, did you feel yourself in your body and then say to yourself, "You are awesome, absolutely real and beautiful?" If you did, more power to you. If you didn't, what did you say? [This is important information. Your life depends on it.]



There are times when situations or ideas are just between you and your Creator. [That is not a bad thing, by the way.] These days, I am learning this lesson again and again. [Hopefully I'll truly "get" the lessons soon!] The reason for such "special times" is that the circumstances involved are so different, so rich, and so totally YOU that they can only be shared between you and the Divine. No one else has the capacity to "get them." They are like raw resources. Raw resources have to be transformed (refined) before they can be appreciated and used by most people. And the transformative agent for people is the Divine time.


For instance, I am a high extrovert. I came into this world smack dab in the middle of a lot of people. I had three older brothers. My parents were extremely social. I didn't know life without busyness. But today, life brings me frequent experiences of quietness [aloneness] and I must taste the marrow of fullness amidst isolation.



I am discovering that I often must continually search my life for meaning and provision when, seemingly, such attributes fail to exist. However, the attributes do exist and they did exist; and, they always will exist. The universe, God's imagination manifest, is excessively abundant. There is no want in all-encompassing love. [Psalm 23 of the Christian Scripture defines this further.]

Several years ago I depended heavily on my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He entered my life at a very bleak period of my existence. He was my very breath sometimes. He was my everything for a long time. I was intensely ill. I went in and out of the hospital. I had no center. I was lost. And Chris subsidized my being. [Thank God, for Chris!]



But eventually this state had to end. I had to live or die---with or without Chris.



And right at that point of realization, everything shifted! I chose to accept the responsibilities of living. I turned on my faith and I began to breathe on my own. It wasn't easy [I continued to stumble here and there]; but, the last health (sickness) episode I had was in 2004. For the first time in years, I felt the power of life go through me. I experienced a sense of choice, and I moved into the world all by myself. [Chris and I, subsequentally, split up because we had to experience our own, separate, lives. We had been operating as one---an unhealthy one---for so long.]

Each of us in the world have a path that was created just for us. Moreover, I believe, we co-created the path with the Source of all things before we incarnated into the earth plane. The path is here to help us prosper and be all that we ARE. It strengthens us and gives us stamina and endurance. It, also, gives us pleasure. And it burns away dross that does not serve us anymore.

At this point, let me firmly say : I don't know why we are exposed to anything in our lives; but, I do know that everything is, in the end, for our highest well-being. I know this because I believe in love and I believe Love consciously considered us, conceived us, and birthed us as we were, are and will be. Furthermore, I believe in free will if we, individually, have moved beyond the tribal stage of growth and development. That is to say, if the family, the government, the educational facility, the Church, etc. rules over our decision-making, then free will may be a bit of a misnomer.

I believe that the tribal consciousness is critical for a safe, productive evolution of mankind. But it is hardly a permanent state of affairs. People are designed to be self-sufficient creatures of beauty and love---creatures that choose and aspire to be their own unique beingness. If as humans we do not break away from our "group-thinks," we will be unable to become our Highest Selves. A part of us will always be denied. And, to me, that is a mockery of who we were created to Be. It makes zero sense to me.

The United States of America is slated to be the "home of the free and the brave." Yes and no. If people are bound to other peoples' thoughts and feelings, freedom is quite a stretch. And believe it or not, there are varying levels of consciousness in this country.

To give you a rather stark example, some people in the U.S. actually still define themselves in terms of the slavery that took place during the civil war. And as long as they continue to define themselves as slaves, they will feel inept at grasping for freedom, growth and development. Don't get me wrong, stubbornness [willfulness] is not the issue. Consciousness is the crux of the problem.

My heart breaks when I discern that there are whole groups of people that can't see beyond their daily experiences. [I was a person like this for many years. My illness was a strong burden for me. I couldn't see around it, over it, under it, or through it; so I just suffered. I struggled. I felt defeated with nearly every breath I took.] Their conscious minds are locked in place and spinning like a run-away tread mill. They live unconsciously or subconsciously. They seem trapped. And they ARE until a breath of liberty blows through them.

When I was a teacher, I used to perceive the foundations that many of my students came from. And the foundations were very poor and broken. I couldn't understand how the school system could provide an educational setting to children who hadn't eaten, or to children who had no parents---only extended relatives that felt obligated to take the kids in, etc. Maslow's Hierarchy of needs was just a sham for most of these students. I thought of my own upbringing and I was amazed at the difference.

Bob Marley said, "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind."

He, also said, "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you are riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"

And he also said, "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"

To continue my thought, another example of locked consciousness can be seen in people with eating disorders. This form of "disease" is very difficult to comprehend. A person may weigh 98lbs., but when he/she consciously thinks of him/herself, he/she feels 250lbs. Crazy, right? But true nevertheless.

Marley was correct when he said we are the only ones that can free our minds. But, what Marley did not say was that some sort of catalyst has to occur before we can escape from mental slavery. Some door, window, or spiritual plane must come about for us to find the "key" which actually unlocks the mind.

For me, Love is the number one catalyst, and we each have a responsibility to develop the love within our own being. There is no time to waste. There is a lot of suffering across our planet far and wide. We must learn how to give with our whole hearts and minds. We are creatures that can awaken. We are creatures that define our own identities. And, in my heart and mind, we must awaken to love all that is around us and in us. We can do this! It just starts by waking to self-love...day after day after day. It is a practice as Mother Theresa dictated.

By determining that we are creatures of Love, we can know we were designed not from sin and circumstance but through empowerment and passion. Our paths were given to us so that we might learn all there is to know about ourselves, our neighbors, and our Divinity. We are a Divine Matrix. We construct the Web of Life.

In the beginning, every human spirit chose a "mission" to manifest in the material. [How do I know? Because we are all here, or have been here, or will be here.] Everyday since birth,we all have lived to rediscover those missions as the material world shapes, molds and sculpts our experiences. And as spirit and material show themselves as One, frequently our missions call to us. Our sensitivity, our aliveness, our truth dictate our playing field.

It is my belief that if we are not currently experiencing Love in our daily lives, then something is amiss. We need to realign with the Source. We need to get right with God [Whatever that means on our personal path to living.]. Love is the Source of all that we ARE. Love abides deep within us. Loves lives and IS all around us. We are immersed in Love and we will be forever. We can't be apart from it. But, our minds can create a plane of thought and experience that disables our body-mind from knowing the love IS here.

And this IS our work. Through whatever means are necessary, we are obligated to figure out who we ARE within the "confines" of Love. I'll give you a hint, "Think Big! Very, Very Big!" Remember time is no object. You ARE an eternal being. Imagine yourself at your very best. Contemplate those moments during your life where you felt successful, where you looked successful, where you were successful. Now, keep going! Open the part of your brain that knows the "back and the beyond." the part of you that knows forever. Yes, keep going. This trip will take you through infinity. Are you there yet? Of course not.

Now, for just a second, can you pause and realize the depth and width of who you ARE? Amazing, huh? Exactly!

So, tomorrow when that alarm beeps, take a moment to love yourself. Make this your beginning. And then several seconds out of the day, just remember to give yourself an awareness course in BEING the glorious light being you ARE. Just love. Just love. If you forget sometimes, just be compassionate to your material self. Pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself, "All is well. All is according to schedule." Remind yourself of your successes. Pick up the "ball" and start again.

Your life is your co-creation. Don't forget to collaberate with the Source. Love is eternal. Love is packed with unlimited possibilities. Enjoy the abundance. Treat yourself to all that IS!

Love never fails to meet every demand of the human heart.

"Life requires that we trust the pieces before the puzzle is completed."
---Laura Teresa Marquez

"To trust in the force that moves the universe is faithFaith isn't blind, it's visionary.Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that the universe knows what it's doing."
---Unknown

"Have faith---God is near."
---Gabrielle Thompson

"...that I alone hold the definition of what I am."
---Montel Williams

"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.We can decide to risk that he is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
---Joan Wester Anderson

"Mankind understands Love as the ant understands the tree... Otherwise we would no longer be human. Rather, we would be awakened Gods in the flesh."
---Kent Wilson

"The greatest attribute of God is Love. The Tree of Life is located in the very depth of our soul. The most perfect and abundant fruit that grows and ripens is Life giving Love; it is the great healing force in the world. Love never fails to meet every demand of the human heart. The Divine principal of Love may be used to eliminate every sorrow, infirmity, in-harmony, ignorance and all mistakes of mankind. Love is God; eternal, limitless, changeless, infinite. It is the pulse of the world, the heartbeat of the Universe."
---Baird Spalding

"So you call yourself religious? Please don't do that if you're stuck in only one of the many traditions that manifest divine love. When you've found connection and inspiration from many religions, then you probably know more about divine love, and less about prejudice, ego and fear."
---Earon Davis



Mid-life is an empowering time. Yes, I am sure many would disagree. Afterall, the words "mid-life" are often followed by the word "crisis." But, to me, it is a time of great repetition which enables me to catch patterns and discover lessons I learned over the years via the wonder of hindsight.

I was just having lunch with an old friend. I was discussing lessons I learned over the course of my time on planet earth. For instance, how many times did I sell myself short as a young person? A lot. I felt like I couldn't wait, I couldn't hold on, or I failed to believe that life would provide me with my needs. My patience grew thin and I frequently made decisions based on peer pressure that was not in my best interest.

But, as much as I gave in, there were also many times where I stood my ground and I discovered great reward---almost as though I found gold at the end of a rainbow. I was an extraordinary young woman. I survived a lot. I learned a lot. I used great wisdom gleaned from the adults around me. I experienced much that I was proud of. And many people experienced pride regarding me. I was their child, their sibling, their niece, their grandchild, their student, their neighbor, etc.

The last four years of my life have been spent learning how to love effectively. And if there is one wish I had, it would be that I would have known powerful love throughout my life. But, that was not so.

In the beginning, my mother (and other relatives) taught me all sorts of things about love. I was breast fed. I was hugged and kissed quite often as I grew. I was verbally told that I was loved. I was given many presents and many parties. I had friends---some great, some not so great. But, somewhere along the Way I stopped knowing all-encompassing love, the experience of it, the feeling of it, the look of it.

Again and again, I began to question the circumstances that came into my life. And eventually I grew dim inside. Interestingly enough, most people that surrounded me as I grew would have said I was a happy, creative, directed young woman; but, I was not. I was scared quite a bit. I lived in a state of disappointment. I had high hopes that were often dashed for one reason or another. I felt hungry inside. I needed. And I failed to know how to get most of my needs met. I developed coping skills, many of which were not designed to really work well. They were designed to aid me in my survival, or they were designed to give me short term pleasure. Ultimately they magnified my since of lack.

Several years after the fact, I am in some sort of faith period. I know this, because I have visited this "place" before. Things don't appear to be moving. Everything seems stationary. The air even "smells" stale. My lungs literally struggle to consciously breathe in and breathe out. Yet really, the universe is constantly changing, moving, doing. Despite my inability to perceive much action, there is action. God is certainly constant, but very little around Him stays still. Life shifts! Perhaps that is why the Protestant Scripture says, "Be still and know that I AM." Because by settling down and opening our hearts, our minds, our feelings, and our senses, we can glimpse and know the fine movements at last. We can finally perceive whole patterns around us and in us. And we can then divine that we are an intricate, moving part of the universe. We are one with all. There is no true separation.

Recently, I tried to plant sunflower seeds. I wasn't too successful this go around, but I did learn that if you plant five seeds, one seed might sprout up lickety split. Then a second seed might follow a few days later. If one seed dies, another might survive. That too is like us and the story of life. We all grow and develop at our own unique pace. People enter the earth plane and leave the earth plane. Life (Chi, Prana) does not discriminate because of age, race, disability, economic status, and other such issues. We all are born. We all die.

So for me, I am starting to get that I can relax a bit here and there because life is happening all around me. Constantly. And God [Love] IS always about us and in us. The one permanent Truth to living.

However, last night I had a heart breaking experience. I was interacting with a new friend whose daughter is very ill, and has been as such for 28 years. But perhaps this is the time frame where the woman's daughter's stay on earth may end. An infection has been eating away at the daughter's physical body, and the young woman has become highly exhausted by trying to live on. She has suffered and suffered and suffered for a very long stint. I hurt for the girl. I hurt for my new friend. And then things suddenly felt even worse.

A question entered upon the scene. Did the daughter have the appropriate religious training? Would she be relayed to an eternity with God or an eternity in hell? In my mind today, there is no dividing line. I went through a nine year period where Christianity drove my life. I, too, once questioned my life in terms of God, punishment, sin and suffering. And then one day I woke to a different world. A world where I had suffered ENOUGH. A world where my chronic illness was not because I sinned and thus needed to suffer so I could return in repentance to God the all avenging Father.

The world I awoke to was full of love, hope and harmony. From that point, the Christ I knew was no longer denied by [my]our finite minds and [my]our closed hearts. The Christ I knew became cosmic and capable of eternal, unconditional love. I didn't just believe He was that. I knew it! I experienced the sense of His post-crucifixion love and then His post-ascension love like I never had before.

Please know that I had been growing in Christ since I was born. My mother was a dedicated Lutheran who came to personally know Christ in her early teens. I heard numerous times how she went through her baptism as a young person. Lutherans typically Christen people as infants so being baptized as a teen was very big deal. And following her baptism came her confirmation. Mom was completely determined to get her four kids to age 18. Furthermore, she was determined to provide her kids with a Christian education; and she did. We were regular church goers. We were, also, all confirmed as Lutheran believers when we reached the junior high level.

However, I became quite disturbed with the Church and God when I turned 17. I was very angry about my parents and how the family just disintegrated. I was, also, highly disillusioned by the adults and their behaviors in my local Church congregation. So not too long after, I became a wild child. That period lasted 3.5 years. And then, abruptly, I found myself ill with a chronic disease that affected my mind and my emotional balance. I felt damned.

I reached and reached and reached for some light. And eventually I cleaved to my Heavenly Father once again. I became a Christian zealot. I would find my forgiveness and God's love for me the Way I knew how. I would over achieve it into my life. God's grace would open my heart wide, and I would just exceed with all my thoughts and feelings into understanding the True faith and the Godly circumstance. Works were important but grace was everything. Yet, in many ways, mysticism was even more significant to me. I would love God and the world around me as much as I knew how. I made it to the Christian missionary field. I moved to Hong Kong. I wanted to do good, be good, love good.

I came home from Hong Kong riddled with pain and confusion. "Uhhhh...How could I return home sick and without much money to keep me afloat?" I tried and tried to have faith and know God with all my being. [Actually, I DID have faith, and I DID know God. I just didn't think I did.]

The process was unnerving. Church people [my brethren] far and wide became some of the most unGodly experiences of my existence. I heard it all. "God would strip me of everything if I didn't give it over to Him." "You can pray where you are. We don't need to pray for you." "Are you possessed [because my disease affected my brain and my emotional system]?" "Only those with the Gift of Tongues are truly born again in Christ." And on and on!

And then things went black. My path seemed endless and devastating. I didn't belong anywhere. I was empty trying to fit back into the Church. I had no bearings. I just began reaching out, reaching out, reaching out again to find some semblance of order and peace.

I fell in love with a dark horse who had left the Church early in his life after he was mamed severely by a group of his peers that hated him for his intense love for Jesus. I went through hospitalization after hospitalization as my health destabilized and continually broke down further and further.

And finally the light came my Way. I discovered unconditional love and forgiveness within a paradigm that I never knew before. I became my own person. I began to love myself. I felt the power of Christ in absolutely everything I came in contact with. I became highly syncretic. I created a loving universe inside my very own heart and mind. I breathed for the first time in years. I was free.

Over a series of stages I began to know God as never before. I defied the little world I used to submit to willingly, ignorantly. I began shrugging off the limited perspective of the Protestant Church. I retained Scripture, but I, also, burnt it from my heart. Paradox? Not really. As love opened my inner vision, I began to understand deeper truths laid out in the Bible. Love is very, very big!

Last night I was crushed that my new friend was feeling such crisis regarding her and her daughter's religious training. For me, now, it is very painful to watch others strain against the power of the Church. History reveals much weakness---from the very beginning---in the Church. Catholicism and Protestantism have been waging holy wars for centuries. The Holy Crusades' last battle has been evolving in Iraq even today. Westerners are superior to all. That is the bottom line.

I take a breath here and there, and then I tell myself to trust in the Sovereignty of an all-loving God.

Love encompasses the universe. It is virtually unimaginable! Love is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Love is gentle, kind and patient. My Christ is the Alpha and the Omega. My Christ's body was broken for all of us. Every BEING. No exception! As we separate ourselves in fear, darkness, bigotry and strife, we will inevitably experience the power of healing, the power of love somewhere, some way.

My God holds each of us in the palm of His hand. Every hair on our body is counted and watched over. We don't get shoveled to hell because we live in Ethiopia and no one ever mentioned the name Yaweh. If we are a part of this universe, we are immersed in "Project Love." God is not a leave anyone behind kind of deity. God loves, loves, loves. Always!!! Forever. Since the day He conceived of mankind. We are His precious creations. He has been building our sweet and comfort-filled destiny since He experienced His own consciousness. Yes! Since THE BEGINNING.

Understand that man has been playing with various Scriptures and Dogmas throughout history. King James, alone, was a political expert. And, God has allowed the development of mankind always. If love is not the superlative, then the Scripture, the dogma is fallible. Love is the only complete Truth. God is Love first, last and always. Believe it. End any undue suffering. You are beautiful in God's heart and in God's eyes. Receive this love as soon as you can. It is important.

"You create your own reality."---Seth in Seth Speaks

"The Folarians (such was their name) were a pacifistic people who believed in free will, free thought, free love, free land, free living, free rides, freeloading and freebies of all kinds. Bitter enemies of the Vegetarians, the Fruitarians (who lived exclusively on raw fruit), the Pietarians (or “New Fruitarians,” as they were sometimes called, who ate only raw fruit pies) and the Breatharians (who subsisted on air alone), the Folarians promoted a doctrine wherein eternal life was achieved by abstaining from all food sources save foliage—thus their name. Moreover, this foliage—whether leaves, stems or flowers—must already have fallen to the ground of its own accord. This way, eating only nature’s leftovers, the Folarians lived in perfect harmony with Mother Earth."
---Sol Luckman

"To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries."
---Aldous Huxley

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."
---Bertrand Russell

"The Future is no place to place your better days. "
---Dave Matthews Band

"The world is ready for a mystic revolution, a discovery of the God in each of us."
---George Harrison

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away."
---Henry David Thoreau

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "
---Jack Kerouac

"If you smile at me I will understand because that is something everyone, everywhere does in the same language."
---Jefferson Airplane

"I'm just beginning to see... The trees are drawing me near, I've got to find out why. "
---Moody Blues

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
---Erica Jong


"I felt like if any two people had any kind of sexual affinity for each other they had to sleep with each other immediately, otherwise it was a terrible betrayal and waste...Fortunately, I'm relieved of those obsessions now. It's really wonderful. It's really wonderful not feeling you have to sleep with everybody."
---Leonard Cohen


"I believe true happiness is derived from helping others and spreading love. Sharing unconditional love is the best high you can experience. Pure energy flows through you unhindered by doubt, fear or expectation. It is magical beyond belief. Try it sometime!"
---Skip Stone



The idea behind this blog is independence. Everyday I work for my freedom---my authenticity. I disrobe from other people's intentions and ideations. I step into the "Joan Zone."

I grew up in a family with four children. Everyone (parents included) was a type A personality. It was often a tough place to learn how to live. My chosen family role was human rights activist. Well, think about it! I was the perfect candidate. I was born at the "bottom of the barrel." In other words, I was the youngest child. In addition, I was the only female child. [I had nowhere to go but up!]

I didn't get much say on a daily basis. So, in order to be heard (at all), I developed a gift for being adamant, persistent and explosive whenever necessary. I accepted my role with pride. I was going to "win" somehow-some way. I had to give everything "my all" all of the time. In my eyes, there was no other choice. Perfection was mandatory. I was no quitter. I was determined to be noticed no matter what it took. I was no metaphorical runt. I was a contender. [In fact, Rocky became one of my favorite movies because I identified so strongly with the main character. It is still one of my favorite motivational pictures.]

Somewhere along the Way I contacted with the "Age of Aquarius" movement that occurred in the 1960's and early 70's. I was delighted by the film clips I saw of its hippies as well as the intense civil rights movement. However, cinematography has always had a tendency to capture the spirit of such historical periods while simultaneously deleting the terrific turmoil and hardship that also existed during the time. Nevertheless, I was enamored by the concept of free love. It looked so fun. Heck, for that matter, I was into free anything! [Sol Luckman's quote above just cracks me up.]

All of my brothers attended Kansas University which was located in Lawrence, KS. I got a taste of that school when I was 16 or so. I went to visit my brothers periodically. It was so awesome! Being on a college campus was exhilirating. Being with college boys was that much better! And KU was loaded with modern hippies known as granolas. I just knew I was going to become all I had dreamed of when I went to college because I thought I would be attending KU, too. But, it was not to be so.

Instead I got transplanted to the state of Florida right before my senior year in high school. I attended University of Florida as a result. UF was no granola town. UF was filled with scantily clad beautiful people. Many of them from Southern Florida: Ft. Lauderdale, Miami, Marco Island, etc. The campus was an exercise phenomena. There were no Birkenstocks. There were few dreadlocks. Orange and Blue was all over the place. Gators loomed in every corner. Real Alligators resided in Lake Alice. And my first dormitory experience happened to be the smallest, all girls, unairconditioned facility known as Mallory Hall.

Before my first day of school my freshman year, I wished I would get lost in a crowd so that I could just be me [so that I wasn't dependent on the name "Baxter," or the name "Cami."].

I got my wish. Sort of.

I knew all of about 15 people my first year at UF. My classes were 300-600 people big. I could go the whole semester without seeing or sitting next to the same person twice. Yet, I, also, met a young man named Scott who surfaced everywhere I went the first few weeks of classes.

I don't know why Scott and I were meant to intersect; but, we sure were---at least here and there [not seriously]. In fact, I am still friends with him to this very day. We did share a vision between our many beers at the Hardback Cafe one night. We were going to find a VW Bus and travel the countryside, maybe start a commune or two.

But, I wanted more than a dream/a fantasy. I wanted more than just talk. [I always did!] I wanted my life to manifest from my whimsical ideations regarding adventure, love, peace and harmony. I think Scott had a lot of other game plans for his life that he didn't articulate that evening. [Actually, now I know he did.]

Nevertheless, he occupied a considerable amount of my mind space while I attended UF. [These days not so much. We have grown. We have gone in very different directions. But we still have a few commonalities. {At least if you get us on a good day!!!} So we chat. We reminisce. We keep the relationship moving forward.]

By my sophomore year at UF I sold out! My vision got washed downstream. I joined the Greek system. I became an Alpha Delta Pi. [I just couldn't stomach another year being underage without a fake ID and knowing only the people in my tiny residence hall.]

I'll tell you what whole-heartedly convinced my friend, Diane, and I to rush. I became a member of the Young Republicans group my freshman year just so that I could continue to breathe and meet new faces. Diane had a similar experience. So we finally jumped the "independent college student express" and signed up for rules and regulations as dispersed by our "older" sorority sisters and alumni. [Of course many sisters were Diane and I's age because we rushed as sophomores! How patronizing! How ridiculous. How college.]

From that point, my dreams just got scattered all over the place.

I wouldn't be accepted to the School of Fine Arts for another year. My dad and step mom vehemently disagreed with my choice for a major [Art History]. So, I adjusted my course of study to Art Education [I soon learned that was not a great choice either; but, the cards were on the table, and I had to follow suit.].

To stay productive, in the meantime, I got really boy crazy. I had no idea that I was suffering from very low self-esteem in regard to members of the opposite sex. [I felt inferior to man. I had a lot of anger toward my family and my rank within it.] So, as a result, I collected "pretty faces" to put in my "Boy Toy" scrapbook. And basically, I learned to party and survive UF's academic maze.

Furthermore, the Gulf War broke out. I got behind our troops by displaying war ribbons all over my backpack. Scott would fantasize about joining the military. I felt my chance to be a granola was nearing an end. Adulthood was fast approaching.

At the turn of my junior year in school, things began to weigh very heavily on me. My illness was on the verge of coming to a head. My incessant partying was taking its toll. Scott had graduated and moved across country. He would call from time to time which would sinisterly coincide with two other love interests that were tearing me apart emotionally that fall and spring.

And then, one magical night, a dark eyed "devil" from Milan, Italy made his way into my life for a very brief period.

Alberto and I seemed to feel a "mystical" union between our mind and hearts. We locked gazes. We flirted with our facial expressions. The oral language we shared was minimized because his native tongue was Italian and my native tongue was English. But, it made no difference. We enjoyed one another despite the cultural differences.

Looking back, our relationship was hardly more than an intense spring-summer romance. But, I wanted love so badly then that I developed our relationship into a grand love affair. [Ah, the power of the imagination!]

{I think most young, American women experience this sort of stage in their thinking. It is the "Cinderella Effect." Some probably feel it more strongly than others. In fact, I'll, even, venture to go a step further and say that historically the concept of witchcraft most likely stemmed from this youthful, charismatic empowerment of young women that drew men inward to the synonymous passions between man and woman. Certainly, I had no such alluring intentions. I just plainly visualized desires that my heart, body and mind aspired to. But, I can definitely "see" some young men---unaware---being captivated by a spell of titilating excitement prompted by the amour of a young woman on fire!}

Moreover, my disease became highly episodic as I dated Alberto. I was temporarily destroyed and then rebuilt. A couple times over. Alberto went by the wayside. And my flamboyant dreams were lost in the tragedies and the rebirths. My soul was then harnessed and attached to the thoughts, visions and/or dreams of other people near me. People who could help me and keep me on track. Their tracks.

Years later, I am rediscovering the dreams I once held so openly close to my heart. Dreams a young person fearlessly conceptualizes. Dreams a young person pursues with relish until some "boundary keeper" (i.e., a parent, a lover, the environment, the tribe, an enemy, etc.) shuts a gate or two or three.

Last weekend I experienced such a thrill, because---after a year of searching--I finally found a sticker to place on my car's back window. It reads, "May All Beings Be Happy." It contains a picture of the earth surrounded by the many layered rings of chakra colors. The purchase is a small step, but it is significant. At least to me. It is an access point to my dreams and visions on a grander scale. To me it is like the Scripture that talks about how God has every hair on our heads accounted for. An inexpensive sticker has called to me, "Search, Joan. Please don't give up. I am out here waiting for YOU."

I see myself as a half-ling. I thought of this last night when I watched Love is a Many Splendored Thing. Jennifer Jones' character in the movie was Eurasian. Her father was Chinese. Her mother was British. Someone in the movie said to her, "You can't be two things at once."

I have been many things to many people since my childhood. You can imagine me being pushed and pulled like taffy...stretching and stretching. Willingly most of the time.

My body and mind have grown tired.

As I search my heart, I become confident that I must make and can make selections in life that definitively show who I am. I don't need to remain a half-ling to survive. Additionally, my heart says, "I never wanted to be dogmatic---except during my "High" Christian period where I strongly leaned on the decisions and leading of the Church for most of my choices. I never wanted to be left outside a group. I always wanted to belong. Being a half-ling allowed for approval."

But, as I have aged, I have begun to realize that my heart is always choosing whether my brain goes along or not. And, so it is my heart that must be followed and/or sought first.

Below are some concrete examples of the kind of shifts I have become aware of over the last few years that my thoughts have become clear to me. Many of them were scarcely easy to implement. I had to break free from my appointed tribes and their rather sticky points of view. And that is saying a mouthful. One of my last hospitalizations snapped a number of the familial cords that I felt so intensely. That snap action was good but it hurt so very badly. I didn't think I would survive it. [I am still amazed at my constitution. I lived through hell several times and I have had the opportunity to tell about it!]

Some important mental, spiritual and/or bodily shifts were:
I am no longer a Republican. From my perspective, why would I be? I don't get fed by Republican policies. Yet, I am not a die hard liberal either. I have too many middle views for that road.

I am no longer a "High" Christian. [A Christian that exclusively determines in the name of faith (and Doctrine) that Jesus is Savior---if this is not accepted and proclaimed as such the non-Saved persons will be fated to eternal hell. There is no redemption past the point of death. Unless you are Catholic and then you might experience purgatory.]

I AM a heart-centered being that is extremely spiritual. I have virtually always been as such. I believe we learn about life on a continuum. Being black and white about a constantly changing universe is quite precarious indeed. I have experienced the black and whiteness of being youthful; and, I still weep at some of the causes and effects from that period of my life. I have forgiven myself again and again but some residual sadness remains. I think that residue spurs me on and helps me to not forget the lessons I learned during that time frame.

However, I do believe we are inseparable from God---ALWAYS! I believe we are the love of God. God is in us and we are in God. We ARE of Him/Her/Them. I, also, know Christ intimately, so I cannot deny my relationship with Him. To do so in my opinion would be a travesty.

I believe others do not know Christ and I believe this does not damn them to hell. To me it matters not whether they come to know Him or not. That is their path. Afterall, what is hell to an all-loving, ominscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent God? I believe every person's path is important/significant [even if I find the persons are trite, disgusting, or something else less desirable to me]. I believe that to deny a person's path is a point of ignorance and thus can be dangerous for both parties.

I believe in reincarnation because for the last year and a half I have been given sign after sign regarding one of MY previous incarnations. No one else has to buy into this "implausible" concept. I know the truth and that is the bottom line. For me, it is similar to my faith in Christ. Both are very important to me because both are excessively REAL to me.

I believe that at one period in history one branch of Christianity as well as one branch of Judaica housed a philosophy that reincarnation is valid.

"Belief in reincarnation is an ancient phenomenon. This doctrine is a central tenet within the majority of Indian religious traditions, such as Hinduism (including Yoga, Vaishnavism, and Shaivism), Jainism, and Sikhism. The idea was also entertained by some ancient Greek philosophers. Many modern Pagans also believe in reincarnation as do some New Age movements, along with followers of Spiritism, practitioners of certain African traditions, and students of esoteric philosophies such as Kabbalah, Sufism and Gnostic and Esoteric Christianity. The Buddhist concept of Rebirth although often referred to as reincarnation differs significantly from the Hindu-based traditions and New Age movements in that there is no "self" (or eternal soul) to reincarnate." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reincarnation

Experiencing Bipolar Disorder has expanded my understanding of reality. Living overseas in Hong Kong, also, expanded my understanding of reality. One of the quotes above says that if we all travelled to another country we would discover how wrong we are about our countries. It is so true. But living elsewhere etches this particular lesson even deeper.

Life IS different wherever you go. In addition, life is different when you get to know whoever you get to know. None of us see life exactly the same. Our eyes, our heart, our skin...are often so uniquely dispersed that we often represent life as a characterized experience. And yet, life is 100% harmonious. It is 100% connected. The collective conscience dictates a purely woven tapestry that makes our separation merely an illusion.

It is a lot to take in. The donut-shaped torus defines the differentness/sameness concept visually. As Thomas Troward says, "The great secret in life is in learning to see things in their wholeness, and to realize the inside and outside simultaneously.

I swing back and forth from inside to outside attempting to move throughout the whole of life. Perhaps it has been a gift that I have felt like a half-ling, someone who experiences life with one leg on one side of the fence, and with one leg on the other side of the fence. Jennifer Jones' character bounced back and forth from Chinese to Eurasian. I bounce back and forth from authentic Joan to Joan the consummate actress. [Don't we all to some extent?]

According to holistic "dogma" I must reconcile with my deepest Truth. I must become my highest Self, or at least align with my highest Self to "become" whole (to recognize wholeness). Currently, I am two parts vying for constant attention. I am split into pole one and pole two. So I beome high and low all at once. My energy balances as it can. This is not healthy for the mind or body.

But! I do contend that EVERYTHING (even disease) happens as it should and thus everything is a valid response that must occur, a valid experience to have. I see my "illness" as a special gift (a misnomer at best) that allows me to pursue truths that most people have no avenues to seek...ever.

I have recently,also, found a land of "inbetweens" that encourage limb climbing. I like the land, but I still feel like a foreigner most of the time. I AM on the brink of so many manifested dreams. I know that my passions lie in the world where all people meet and join. I find such ecstasy in the empowerment of all mankind. I have discovered that my path has enabled me to "get" that we are all Divine creatures. That is a beautiful thing. Whether we are Pig Pens, Saints unfurled, or something else altogether, we are powerful beings---all of us.

My new car sticker states my ultimate desire for this planet, this universe. May all beings be happy.

I now stand in my shoes. I learn to accept who I AM. I walk. Expectantly I walk. The dreams I thought were forever gone are slowly, quietly making their Way back into the "Joan Zone." My heart leads me ever forward!

Won't you join me?

Overcoming untruths. Claiming what IS real.

Wayne Dyer is one my most recent "fav" authors. Currently, I am sifting through his book, Real Magic. It is good stuff.


This world is "temporarily" filled with lies that permeate our existence and fight against our being [or perhaps they just add texture to our lives]. First, families pass down both their legacies and their ignorance to their children, and each one of their encompassed individuals must discern this truth for him/herself [Maybe the individuals will glean wisdom from outside sources and predecessors. Maybe they will not]. Furthermore, schools educate according to state standards and federal mandates that slip through the system aided and abetted by government officials and their various agendas (whether well intentioned or not). [Perhaps ordinary citizens concur with the mandates, and perhaps they do not.] In addition, televisions, advertising and media services, and the Internet woo people with their various organizational versions of "supreme reality." Religions dictate dogma and doctrine in the name of aggrandized improvement. The "Smiths and the Jones" influence the local neighborhoods and the larger communities. And, I am sure there are many, many more sources for personal "truth and guidance" in America and in the greater world.


In my opinion, all people deserve to be the being they were designed to be in the beginning---before they entered the earth plane. [And on some level this is already beginning to manifest because it is our Divine destiny.] {Furthermore, I believe, at some point, there will be COMPLETE enlightenment which will usher us all into a new life understanding that will ease our struggles as we grow and develop, and perhaps even totally transform who we are.} But right now, most individuals throughout the world have been shrouded in some form of darkness. The darkness is not bad. Rather it molds us and gives shape and depth. [Consider a painting or a piece of sculpture that has no black or dark gray areas.]



Ironically, there are, also, some people that believe they are so light that they disable themselves from discovering the greater world around them. The newsworthy issue at hand of the polygamist sect in Texas is one such extreme example.


The men and women of the "cult" compound are so sheltered and so "guided" that they fail or refuse to see any reality outside of their own regimented belief system. {We are all that way to some degree.} It is of no matter to the compound residents that the country they live in has laws designed to protect and defend the innocent. The "cult" as a whole is above the law. The compound supports a tiny world of coersion and obliviousness. According to the greater world, the "cult" leaders are "authoritatively" leading its people down a primrose path; and, the people are naively adhering to the "ill-intentioned" will of the leaders.


But, not all cases of the "darkened consciousness" are so purposefully driven and controlled. Though, perhaps, I am being naive. Certainly at this stage in my life I can look around and realize how many influential scenarios are occurring in the greater world. The bottom line is that we all succumb to some form of untruth in our daily lives.


I had this boyfriend once upon a time that liked to roll a die every day to determine what he would believe and how that particular system would be enacted. It was a fascinating exercise for him. It was mind blowing to me. What can I say, I like creative people! But, I suppose the exercise had its value in the area of detachment. [And, he was brilliant in the realm of detachment!!!] But, in that mindset, one day one's way could be all truth while the next day one's former way was total untruth; and this is what I want to focus on, this sense of relativity.


As we grow older we start to realize that life is far from black and white. If we fail to realize this, disasterous effects can come into play. And what I am fast learning is that our lives are really quite malleable all the time. Some will diagree with this because of their upbringing and/or spiritual convictions. But let's look at the concept more closely.


Dyer supposes that there are a number of "lies" that we each may fundamentally connect with within the United States. They are:

1) I can't help the way I am. I have always been this way.

2) It is my nature. I inherited who I am and it can't be changed.

3) My personality is controlled by my chemistry and my metabolism.

4) My family is responsible for my personality.

5) I can't escape culture and times.

Real Magic, Dr. Wayne D. Dyer, p. 176-179


Dyer denies all of these beliefs. He purports that we are each here to create our own magical personality [and thus a magical life], and he said that even the biggest pessimist can overcome his/her self-made limitations by teaching the pessimist a new set of cognitive skills. I feel like I can jump on his bandwagon and wave bright colored flags that say, "Yes!" In fact, anyone who knew me more than four years ago can probably tell you how negative I could be [ BTW: I am still a recovering negativity monger!]---to the point of hospitalization.


But, despite the horrible existence I was leading at the time just prior to my life altering events in 2004, I did FIND a new and brighter Way for me to live. After a very desperate and life-threatening episode, I cut loose a lot of my self-limiting thoughts and behavior, and I moved into a world that quickly "became" the birth place and eternal vessel for love.


I say "became" because from my perception there was "no light at the end of the tunnel." There was only darkness and grayness almost incessantly. I would create little worlds inside me to help me survive from day to day; but to me, they were just imaginary---nothing more. So, even they were, in the end, worthless to me. I was lonely and terribly sad. Sad to the degree that I became medically depressed.


I cannot relay in this blog the events that marked the beginning of my new Way because there were several and it would take too much time to try to articulate. The aspect I want to highlight from that time period is the shift in my paradigm. I gained a strength that propelled me forward into a place of faith and trust. That place enabled me to start designing a new vision for myself.


I took the love I knew and I cultivated it so that it would grow and become immense. As I became conscious of futile thoughts and/or situations, I dumped the dead weight. Some of my friends found this to be horrific. They saw me as leaving the everlasting God of Christianity. I saw myself as holding onto Him with all my focus and might! There was a great transition that occurred in my life at that time. I took steps to announce and then step into my intention(s). I hit on the brass tacks of who I was and what I needed to be. I gave the people I cared for in my life a "heads up" so that they could transition with me, they could watch me move away from them slowly but surely [perhaps creating "glass menagerie" type relationship], or they could move completely in a separate direction from me.



I stopped listening to others before I listened to myself! It wasn't easy [and I often still practice the action] but it gave me the breath of life for the first time in a very long time. My life became mine.


This is where I merge with Dyer's positions of creating our own magical existence. Dyer plants the seed that we are MIRACLES---all of us, any life form. He then begins to build on the premise that we create in our invisible world that which we want to see and experience in our physical world. He doesn't minimize our inner being the way I did for ages. He expands it! And he determines that it is the most important thing we can do to affect change in our lives.


Six key factors to make ourselves the people we see in our mind's eye are:

1) Create a "fantasy" in your mind of exactly who and how you would like to be. This is the founding principle for your new personality and your new Way.

2) Visualize the optimal talent that you would like to have. Simply see yourself in possession of that illusive commodity.

3) Determine how smart you would like to be. How does the label genius next to your name feel?

4) Use your "magical powers" of inner persuasion to challenge everything about yourself. Your personality is made up of hundreds of habitual ways that you use to conduct the daily physical affairs of your life. Circumstances do not make the man, they reveal him.

5) Imagine for yourself the ultimate miracle, a slowing down or an elimination of the aging process. This miraculous view will have an enormous impact on the state of aging in your body.

6) You have infinite possibilities for how you can live emotionally. You are the creator of your emotions. They originate with your thoughts. The emotional reactions are actually physical in nature. Whatever emotions you are choosing with your thoughts will take up residence in your body.

p. 182-193





Dyer contends that we have, from day one, been creating our life. Every choice we have made has culminated into the person we are now. He further contends that we can recreate ourselves at any moment. I did this a few years ago.


I was doing a lot of reading about Carolyn Myss' beliefs. And I bought this Sacred Contracts "game" she had manufactured that lead me to a new perspective. I won't delve into the "game," but I will say that it had to do with Jungian archetypes. One of the four common archetypes to all mankind is the Child. Myss broke the Child down into four subcategories: Wounded, Magical, Divine and Nature.


I was inspired by the Magical Child archetype. For years I had identified with the Wounded Child. When I learned about the Magical Child I "saw" a door to healing. I did much work regarding my inner children prior to declaring myself Magical. I learned how I envisioned myself; and then, for the first time, I felt I understood how to pull myself out of the horrible quagmire I had given myself over to (consciously and subconsciously). This point is important: There must be awareness in order to illicit lasting change in our life.


Each one of us has many "children" caught in the microcosm, "Web of life" of our inner worlds. And, whether we know it or not, each child has a different need and/or want that is continually making itself known in our present existence. [Many people will probably get confused by the terminology I am using at the moment. Suffice it to say that some of us stopped growing mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually when various events occurred in our lives. We subsequently "lost" a part of ourselves.]


The good thing is that we can cause the growth to restart, we can reclaim each lost part if we can become aware of our core being. So if some traumatic event severed "ties" to a part of yourself, that hurt can be left behind and a renewed part can be instilled in you. You can find that lost part by getting in touch with your center, exploring your life, and then fearlessly confronting the damaging aspects of the event.


Before you know it, little people will begin to surface all over the place in your inner world! In my case, most of the time, I just dragged my "children" along with me throughout my life. I was wounded. Terribly. I kept dragging my hurt parts along so that one day I could heal them. You know, when I got big enough to make them all better!


Eventually I had to realize that all those girls inside me were getting too heavy to hold onto. And I started throwing them off to the side so I could continue to move on. This "disposal" caused even greater lamentation inside my soul and wounded more of my physical body. Before I knew it, I was a very injured and sick adult. I had so many wounds and so many lost parts I began to "give way." It was overwhelming to say the least.


When I started playing with the Myss "game," I came upon a new vision for myself. [This worked for me because I am a creative being that likes imagery. Something else like, perhaps, a new "music" body could be your release. Open yourself to whatever comes your way. Whatever works. Don't get hung up on details!]


That year I had been injected with a little bit of self love that stemmed from a hospitalization and a new mixture of medications. The self love enabled me to grow in my mind's eye into a beautiful creature with wings, magic and power. In addition, I witnessed my youngest niece that I had a special relationship with; and I felt her spirit inside my own heart. It was amazing! She was fully present most of the time. She showed me the joy of a young girl's being; and since she had my family's blood coursing through her veins, I felt a part of her. She was not my child, but she was all that I needed to overcome the pains of being left behind.


I created a collage image to represent my new self, and I began to develop thoughts and feelings about myself that pushed me past all the darkness in my world again and again. My momentum sped up. I was Magical. And I was both woman and child all at once. I knew empowerment on a grand scale. It was wonderful!


Dyer says if you take the six keys above, you can transform every aspect of yourself. You can discover and renew that which is malleable in you and waiting for you to recognize its power for change. I recommend, if you are interested, taking one step at a time and really dealing with the various parts of yourself. I think sometimes self help books are targeting a "like-minded" audience. In other words, I think the books are speaking to certain people who are completely cognizant of the subject discussed. The books might address everyone, but not everyone is ready for the material.

I see myself as a bridge. I attempt to breakdown information into easier and more recognizable packages. I try to meet people where they are at. Life is often complicated. People need a helping hand. Awareness can be difficult for some people to grasp, but in the end, they can grasp it. [Remember, there are varying degrees of people that resemble on some level the Texas "cult" compound.] If a person is heavily connected to his/her tribe, personal work may be excessively strenuous to identify with. The tribe's needs must be met before the individual can be considered.

Dyer provides a number of steps to help each one of us implement the change we want to be.
1) Remove all doubt about what kind of person you can become.
2) Stop using sentences in your material world that reflect what it is that you do not want to be.
3) Stay focused on what you are for rather than what you are against.
4) Remind yourself daily that you are a purposeful being.
5) Totally trust your intuition for a day at a time.
6) Know that there is a secret buried deep within your invisible self.
7) Inventory the behaviors and characteristics that you exhibited as a child but that are no longer applicable to your adult life.
8) Create an intention inventory for yourself. An inventory not a wish list that you intend to create within yourself.
9) Begin to act in your physical world as if that person whom you would love to be were already here.
10) Learn to preplay who it is you want to be in your mind before you put anything into action. Slow down!
11) Remind yourself that if you have judged yourself to be lacking in any personality variable, you will continue to manifest that lack as long as you focus on it in your mind.
12) Seek out NO opinions on your own personality.
13) Develop your own personal excellence program, first in your mind, and then start putting it into practice in your daily life.
14) Use meditation regularly to create the inner harmony and peace that will allow you to become the personality that best suits your magnificent, divine purpose here on this planet at this time.
15) Use your meditations to see yourself free from the labels that you have placed upon yourself and to become free of the big lies about your inability to change certain things about yourself.
16) Be patient and compassionate with yourself.
p. 199-209

One thing that Dyer mentions is that "body chemistry controls a great deal of how we conduct our lives."

But, he says, "We must come to an understanding that is fundamental to our humanity. If we are to have magical bodies, we must have magical minds. Our body chemistry is always being affected by how we choose to think."

Dyer "does not dispute that little invisible creatures are in our bodies."

But he states, "That we need to take a look at the enormous power that we have in our minds to contain and/or retrain the creatures to work for us rather than against us."
p. 178

This information is especially important to me since I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I have been living with the disease for almost 16 years. After my last hospitalization in 2004, I began to shed the diagnosis I had been handed back in 1992.

It is important to realize the ramifications of health care situations. I have become very familiar with the personality of my illness. And despite all that I know, I began to support the case for my wellness four years ago. Eckhart Tolle mentioned in his new book, A New Earth that he had encountered Stephen Hawking before Hawking was a renown mathematician and physicist. Hawking was given less than 5 years to live when Tolle crossed his path. Hawking has now gone well beyond that time frame to extend his life span and create the miracles he has become famous for.

My path to wellness has been slow and methodical. Again, I think this is important when body magic is performed. Know what you have been up against. Take an inventory of all that has been said or done. Then, step by step discard the information that no longer serves you. Replace trashed information with new helpful, life-shifting data. Believe that anything is possible, because, in fact, it is. [For example, recall that Christopher Colombus was told the world was flat.] But, truly listen to yourself and the world around you. Delusion is not what you want to achieve. Magic is what you want to create. Again, determine to be patient with yourself and the process. Take tabs on every success that manifests. Celebrate each one. Be compassionate with any struggles you might come upon.

Discover the unlimited possibilities you harbor within yourself. You are a miracle. You are a child of God. Magically transform your personality and your life from this day forward. It is not only possible, it is probable! You hold the keys to your new identity---to your new world.

"Be naked in the splendor of the truth of who you are." ~ Gangaji ~

"Self-Observation is itself the Beginning of Transformation"
---Dennis Lewis


"I (my ego & personality), Do solemnly swear to love, honor and obey my soul, my path to realization and relationship with a higher, deeper creative power, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, from now and forever more."
---Alex Grey



"Everything within my life - without exception - is a revelation and expression of That which is the Source of my own inevitable Awakening."
---Unknown



"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
---Carl G. Jung



"Listen to the reeds as they sway apart;Hear them speak of lost friends. At birth, you were cut from your bed,Crying and grasping in separation. Everyone listens, knowing your song. You yearn for others who know your name, And the words to your lament. We are all the same, all the same, Longing to find our way back;Back to the one, back to the only one."
---Mevlana Rumi


"Open to me, so that I may open. Provide me your inspiration So that I might see mine."
---Mevlana Rumi



"Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly...Suddenly I awoke...Now, I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man."
---Chuang Tzu




Ok, ok, I have made it through CD#2 of Eckhart Tolle's new book, A New Earth. It is quite good. I recommend it. [And as a reference, I prefer the audiobook to reading Tolle's work.] The man's brain is seriously huge (OR, should I say his power for awakening and understanding his expanding consciousness is quite huge.)! I look forward to my gradual awakening CD by CD. But until that transpires, I will concentrate on knowing my heart. I like the Hicks' book about the emotional guidance system. Their book seems far easier than Tolle's to contend with at this moment. I think I am ready for Tolle, but his work is always a great challenge!

http://www.kriyayoga.com/english/encyclopedia/ego.htm defines, "The Ego as that part of your present personality and your wholesome being including your astral body, Causal body and soul that is different from God and prevents you from becoming instantly one with God."

I like to think of the ego as my lower self. From my perspective, the Higher Self is defined as,"One's True Self that is capable of attaining the knowledge of perfection, and approaching divine self-consciousness." www.el-aura.com/terminology-e.html - Definition in context

I do not consider the lower self to be less worthy than the Higher Self. I think that both of the selves are necessary at this time in our evolution. Truly, at some juncture, I can see that the ego will begin to dissipate due to a large awakening. People will begin to immediately know their True Selves and the "step-ladder" for consciousness, the ego, will no longer be needed.

But for now, the ego remains an integral part of who we [are]. Our mind identifies strongly with the ego. But our heart identifies strongly with the Higher Self (our essence the spirit). From where I stand, as a result, it is the heart that must be followed first.

Many people have entrusted themselves to their "tribe." The "tribe" can be a family, a societal structure, or some other group that governs as such. People are often completely unaware that a "tribe" oversees their thoughts. As a result, people cease to know their True Selves. They give themselves over to a groupthink. I suppose one illustration of this type of goverance is when a person wakes up and realizes that he/she is beginning to sound and/or look like his/her parent.


It may be the path of least resistance, but becoming like our parents is definitely not a necessity. For example, look at the "disease" alcoholism. Yes, there may be a natural draw for certain genetic types to desire to drink problematically. But, through education, support and commitment, alcoholism can be overcome. It is the same way with any patterned thinking or framework.

First, people must become aware of a problem or a potential problem. Then steps must be taken to empower people. In the case of alcoholism, a 12-Step Program is often created to help problemed drinkers see all their options. In such a venue, the entity alcohol is disempowered while the person's ability to choose is highlighted and promoted.


Tribal mentalities are often extremely intense to conquer [that may be because they are still necessary for the group of people involved]. Carolyn Myss, a famous medical intuitive, lumps tribal programming into the first three chakras. She states that the stronger the tribal influence the weaker the personal power will be. This tribal influence includes biological factors, socialism, patriotism and globalism. According to Myss, "People that are tribal do not create their own reality, their tribe does it with them and for them."


Furthermore, Myss says, "Each one of us is destined, at some point in our evolution, to break free from the tribe and develop our chakras four through seven which are outside the scope of time and space. Myss coins the stage individuation (after Carl G. Jung's work), and she says it is inevitable for every person to go through it." But in the interim, all issues involving our biology, our sexuality, our finances, our need to control others, our interaction with others and all our physical contacts are wrapped up in chakras one through three; and it would behoove us to be cognizant that all people are not operating from the same playing field.

The ego is the self that seeks identity. The Higher Self has no need to do so. It recognizes its immortality and its role in the infinite. These two selves (Higher and lower) are fascinating to me because I think we all stem from the Source (which I call God). A few days ago my blog discussed the eternal Oneness which we all ARE. I imagined that at one place in Time we were God unfurled. And then all at once we were not.

This is where that Torus Tube comes in handy. "Sacred geometry and ancient teaching mystery schools stressed that the One force or consciousness behind existence through the laws of geometry made extensive use of the shape [[A Torus resembles a donut]]. Even the human embryo has a Torus shape during its first stages of existence. According to the ancient teachings, in the beginning there was a great void. This void is the Creator, with no body shape or definition [Creation requires a definition of space (as well as direction)]. The Torus Tube provides this kind of definition by using the inside, outside, and infinity. In that way it can be used as a philosophical model of creation itself."http://www.merkaba.co.il/Torus.htm

Human existence really can be seen in terms of this ancient, sacred geometrical element. Just when we think we are seeing the whole life picture, the universe shifts and we get a different view. Sometimes we recognize the inside and outside simultaneously. But, if we are positioned in the inside of the tube we only see so much. If we are positioned on the outside, we, also, only see so much. But, if we can imagine the Torus in its completion, we can possibly recognize the holographic universe in which we live.

"University of London physicist David Bohm, for example, believes Aspect's findings imply that objective reality does not exist, that despite its apparent solidity the universe is at heart a phantasm, a gigantic and splendidly detailed hologram.

To understand why Bohm makes this startling assertion, one must first understand a little about holograms. A hologram is a three- dimensional photograph made with the aid of a laser. To make a hologram, the object to be photographed is first bathed in the light of a laser beam. Then a second laser beam is bounced off the reflected light of the first and the resulting interference pattern (the area where the two laser beams commingle) is captured on film.

When the film is developed, it looks like a meaningless swirl of light and dark lines. But as soon as the developed film is illuminated by another laser beam, a three-dimensional image of the original object appears.
The three-dimensionality of such images is not the only remarkable characteristic of holograms. If a hologram of a rose is cut in half and then illuminated by a laser, each half will still be found to contain the entire image of the rose.

Indeed, even if the halves are divided again, each snippet of film will always be found to contain a smaller but intact version of the original image. Unlike normal photographs, every part of a hologram contains all the information possessed by the whole.

The 'whole in every part' nature of a hologram provides us with an entirely new way of understanding organization and order. For most of its history, Western science has labored under the bias that the best way to understand a physical phenomenon, whether a frog or an atom, is to dissect it and study its respective parts. A hologram teaches us that some things in the universe may not lend themselves to this approach. If we try to take apart something constructed holographically, we will not get the pieces of which it is made, we will only get smaller wholes.

This insight suggested to Bohm another way of understanding Aspect's discovery. Bohm believes the reason subatomic particles are able to remain in contact with one another regardless of the distance separating them is not because they are sending some sort of mysterious signal back and forth, but because their separateness is an illusion. He argues that at some deeper level of reality such particles are not individual entities, but are actually extensions of the same fundamental something. "

"The holographic paradigm also has implications for so-called hard sciences like biology. Keith Floyd, a psychologist at Virginia Intermont College, has pointed out that if the concreteness of reality is but a holographic illusion, it would no longer be true to say the brain produces consciousness. Rather, it is Consciousness that creates the appearance of the brain as well as the body and everything else around us we interpret as physical.

Such a turnabout in the way we view biological structures has caused researchers to point out that medicine and our understanding of the healing process could also be transformed by the holographic paradigm. If the apparent physical structure of the body is but a holographic projection of consciousness, it becomes clear that each of us is much more responsible for our health than current medical wisdom allows. What we now view as miraculous remissions of disease may actually be due to changes in consciousness which in turn effect changes in the hologram of the body. Similarly, controversial new healing techniques such as visualization may work so well because in the holographic domain of thought images are ultimately as real as reality. Even visions and experiences involving non-ordinary reality become explainable under the holographic paradigm. "

"In a holographic universe there are no limits to the extent to which we can alter the fabric of reality."
http://www.crystalinks.com/holographic.html

In my mind, we are moving toward total conscious awareness. Despite the various stages of life's growth and development seen throughout the world today, I believe we are all heading back to our origins. But as Willy Wonka said at the start of his magical confectionary tour in the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, "We must go forward to go backward."

Consciousness is constantly in flux. Our egos are growing, growing, growing, expanding, expanding, expanding. Our Higher Selves are leading the Way. The two selves are somehow becoming One. They are filled with the force of love and they will take us where we need to go. We need only trust. The selves know their "final" destinations for part one of humanity.

This is where stuff gets so amazing for me. I literally start thinking thoughts that already exist in the universe. And I do so from my connection to the Collective Unconscious of which I am engaging with. Who knew??? I certainly didn't at one time. And I just think it is so cool!

One extremely fun representation of such thoughts is the concept of synchronicities. A couple years ago I began to study the controversial psychologist, Carl G. Jung, and in doing so, I began to track "the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality." http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/synchronicity

Life began to look so differently. I began to expect meaningful relationships in every aspect of my existence, and THEN, I began to experience those meaningful relationships.

For awhile I was quite on top of the phenomenon, and then things just seemed to spiral out like a jetty and I couldn't keep up. Currently, I am trying to find my place, again; but so far, nothing.

Yet, this past weekend I got walloped with the powerful relationships! As I did brunch with three ladies I know, I quickly came to the realization that these new friends of mine not only found regular occurence of the meaningful relationships in their own lives, but the ladies were, also, invested in how the meaningful relationships "spoke" to each of them. Furthermore, I spent the rest of the afternoon with a different friend of mine that connected some synchronistic phenomenon to actual interpersonal relationships we had between the two of us.

So, now I must think my consciousness is actively involved in creating a more rich context involving the connection of symbolic relationships that will educate me and take me somewhere new. Somewhere unexpected. Somewhere my heart ultimately desires to go; and that is exciting.

Discussing my ego's growth and development, I must, also, think that each one of us is destined to explore the fullest expression of who we ARE and that incorporates the "identity seeking" lower self. Since my childhood I have imagined that God brought forth each one us so that we would be the most definitive and unique creatures. As my Higher Self guides me through my Way, I am coming into my own. Yes, at times I (will) cling to things that will soon be abolished because there is no longer any need for them. But more importantly, I am learning the path that will leave me satiated with love and new discovery.

From choice, I remember my favorite moments shared with my precious nieces and nephews, and I KNOW that life is happening just as it should. My biggest challenge to date is to explore the Torus (while it is moving) called existence until I find purpose in each breath I take. This is not easy, but like most other things I spend hours and hours extrapolating about, it is simple. Practice brings us closer to perfect! Be compassionate with yourself as you cross the "pebbles" of life. If you awaken slowly, no worries. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. If you awaken at light speed, count your blessings. You, too, are exactly where you need to be.